The Power of Words

against: in opposition to; directly opposite from

I don’t know much about how I came to this world, but I do know that I was born one week late.  It was as if I knew I’d be gone from her, and I just wasn’t willing to accept it.  I didn’t want to leave, but who would.  And if she knew what was going to happen to me, I’m sure she would have maybe been more reluctant. 

My life has been far from easy.  Of course, I don’t particularly enjoy posting my life story on the internet, I don’t mind the use of metaphors.  My life has been like walking into a door, then halfway into the next room, the door violently slams in my face but there’s no turning back: I have to get through that door.

I often wonder if she misses me.  Would she care to know that I earned an A on my AP midterm?  Or maybe that I was bullied throughout middle school, and now, through highschool.

What about him?  Does he think of me?  Does he wonder if I’m alright, if I have a bed to sleep in at night?  I wonder about my grandparents.  Am I their little secret?  Have I been well hidden?

I’m against this struggle.  I never chose this path; it was predetermined.  When I say predetermined I always go on a little tangent in my head, two sides debating whether or not there is a God.  But, why would God separate two people who were so close?  I was inside of her, don’t tell me she’s moved on!  I haven’t.

Mom: I miss you.


words: 1. speech or talk; 2. text or lyrics of a song; 3. contentious or angry speech

This past summer, a great friend of mine said something that really stuck with me.  Words, when used as put downs, are extremely heavy, they weigh you down.  I’ve woken up many times in my life, struggling to get out of bed, because the weight of my oppression was so great and I couldn’t rise against it. 

She said, the pain you feel is like carrying a backpack and going up an empty hill, with each step a water bottle is added.  At first, the load is minimal, and you think nothing of it, but soon the weight accumulates and you start to get dragged down.  But, even at that, you must continue climbing up, with each step, the climb becomes more and more difficult.  Once you reach the top, everyone takes a sip out of those bottles, but when you go to get yours, you realize there are none left. 

Bullying has that evil, nasty effect that make the victims seem shameful and the bullies feel like champions.  But, truly, there is no battle, there is no fight.  Bullying isn’t a war, rather a betrayal, betraying trusts and bonds between two or more people.  The shock factor isn’t really about what was said or what was done, rather the effrontery and the insolence of the bully. 

Friends are friends, but in this day and age, it seems as if friends are tending to be foes.

I trust no one, just my rationality.

Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

Are humans stupid to love, hope, and dream?  Are we stupid to live?  Hate surrounds us all, it’s unfair and blind.  Are we blind as to its own existence?  I didn’t know that I could hate until this year.  I learned that grudges, when not treated at their start always spawns into hate, and that sometimes, you even forget why you hate someone. 

Today, on my Facebook, I had a few hate messages.  I’m thinking of quitting Facebook for good.  It just isn’t fair that I get hate messages.  Why do people hate me?  Why am I invisible?  My best friend gave me a look of hatred because I might move and I was completely ignored today.  I just love school. 

I just cannot fathom how some people can be so cruel to others, how do they live with themselves?  How can you live with the fact that you are hurting other people.  How do you love if you are living a life of hate?  I wouldn’t be able to do that, but I guess some people are so cold that they have no problem hating others.

I wish I could just fly away to where I am loved, if there exists such a place.  If I could go back two days to where I was lying in the snow, staring at the clouds, with family and friends by my side, I wouldn’t be crying right now.  I guess I’ve figured what hate means.  And it means emptiness.

I’m feeling empty.