The Power of Words


Reunion is harder when you’re only 14…
July 17, 2010, 8:37 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Life, Ramblings | Tags: , , ,

And when your nmom is bipolar…

And when it was brought upon you by force…

And when your nmom is ODing on Kool-Aid.

Reunion is great as long as both parties are ready for it.  In my case, neither were.  Yet, you can’t change what’s going on.  What happened, happened.  What is happening, is happening.

Sometimes I wish I could just open her eyes to make her see what I see, but I don’t know how.  I want a pair of anti fog glasses.  It took me 3 years to figure this all out, she’s had 14. 

She’s proud of me, and she’s trying now.  But… it’s still hard.  It will always be.  But, I guess that’s why they call it a roller coaster.

Sorry for the suckish blog post.  (and the lack of blog posts…)  I’ve had a lot going on.  I’m leaving for boarding school next month, and finished with a 3.7 unweighted GPA for freshman year.  (woot!) 

I’ll try to make time for blogging even though I’m working 5/7 days a week and have a mega hectic schedule.

Peace to all.

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Spring Break is in the air…

It’s every teenager’s dream, right?  Live by the beach in the warm weather.  Go tanning every day?  Spring break!  But.. it’s not as lovely as it seems.  I’d like to thank my mother for my abnormally fair skin.  Yes, I am the girl whose mother constantly nags and warns about the dangers of the sun.  I’ve gotten quite used to it.  In fact, I actually like my fair complexion.

For the first time all week I’ve gotten out of the house.  I’ve been sick.  On Spring Break.  Lovely, eh?

So I went to the beach today with a couple of friends.  I decided I’d let people judge.  I didn’t wear my watch to cover my scars (some fresh, sadly) and I wore a bikini.  If people want to judge, by all means.  I, however, will not return the favor. 

I had a lovely time.  It’s nice to be carefree every now and then.  I felt like a normal teenager for the first time in months, and I got a tan (sunburn, sunburn, sunburn).  Okay, what am I kidding, I got sunburnt… a little… but my face is tanned!

I guess being an adoptee makes adoption seem more obvious in the real world.  When you see a young Asian girl with white parents you immediately feel her pain, even though she might not feel it yet.  Everywhere I look I see adoption.  It’s like I can run, but I can’t hide.  I mean, while I was in line for an ice cream some newlyweds were discussing which ethnicity of a child to get as if children were just a commodity.  The sad thing is, they are.  I don’t think people realize how often children are just sold.

While I was sick I was watching Lifetime movies.  Mom at 16, The Pregnancy Pact, Baby for Sale, and other titles I cannot remember.  Adoption, adoption, adoption. 

I’m not against adoption being in the media, I’m against the way it is portrayed.  There are some things that must be acknowledged with adoption. 

There is loss, and there is pain. 

There are some things that must be changed with adoption.

There is corruption, there is a lack of rights.

If these movies that reached thousands of people would have information that addressed the above mentioned, then I would be okay with this industry.  Life isn’t a Juno, at all.  Babies aren’t clean slates.  Isn’t it obvious?

If you drop a child on its head as a baby, the effects would be visible.  Why can’t the effects of adoption be as visible?  Do people need special glasses?  I’m willing to hand out pairs.  It’s time we fixed this blindness.



de⋅ni⋅al: disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing
January 24, 2010, 12:52 am
Filed under: Adoption, Life | Tags: , , , , , ,

Some people just refuse to believe in the pain surrounding adoption.  It’s like trying to explain to a child that their parents are divorcing out of love, it just doesn’t make sense to them.  Of course that is a bad metaphor as parents divorcing is rarely a result of love, more of hate as I have learned.

You see, it isn’t the denial that is infuriating, because there are skeptics everywhere.  The true pain in this is that those people dismiss our pain as if it’s just a story we are making up.

I find adoption and its stages of grieving no different than death.  With death, at least you know that the person is gone.  As John Walsh always says on America’s Most Wanted, not knowing is the hardest part.  I’ve begun the stages of grieving, I’ve passed denial, and anger, and possibly a few more.  But unlike death, I will never “accept” this fact because adoption is something that I will never condone.  Why should I accept this?

The thing about adoption is… it’s permanent.

3 and 1/2 years…