The Power of Words


Favoritism.
March 18, 2010, 6:56 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life, School | Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve never been anyone’s favorite.  I was never daddy’s little girl, I was never his kid.  This past weekend my father said some hurtful things.  But when he says those words, it’s not him speaking, it’s the alcohol.  I learned at a young age not to take his words to heart.  He didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know what he’s saying.  I wish I knew what he was like before the drinking.  I wish I knew him before his breathing became labored, and his face was red from the drug.

People say “adopted children are lucky.”  No, truly we are not.  I have not had an easy life, that is for sure.  For the past 14 years I’ve been trying to make my parents proud and have been failing greatly.  All I want is a pat on the back, a job well done.  I just want to be loved.  Is it that hard?

The head softball coach for JV quit Monday.  The assistant is now our only coach.  He’s chosen his favorite, and it’s not him.  I’m trying so hard to get liked, to be… noticed.  I’ve grown to love infield.  I can catch a popfly.  I mean, I can catch a popfly.  My old coach asked my friend if she’d been feeding me nails for breakfast because I’m so aggressive out there.  Yet, despite my aggressiveness and my technique, I’m not good enough.  One girl has an awful technique but is cute.  The coach even has a nickname for her.  She got to play for the full game and I was taken out after the third inning (at least I wasn’t a sub this time).  And my friend, who’s been playing softball for years was playing as a sub in the second string.  What’s wrong with this picture? 

Well, actually.  I am a favorite now.  Not by my father, not by my teachers, and definitely not by my coaches.  I’m someone’s “freshman.”  Not like the whole “get me stuff” relationship, but more of a “you’re cool, let’s hang” type of thing.  It’s pretty cool. 

Plus, she can beat up the junior who made me do all her work at practice yesterday and then hit me.  *sighs*

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I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor
March 10, 2010, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life, School | Tags: , , , , ,

Today at school there was a huge fight.  When I say huge, I mean one girl was arrested.  So there were three girls.  One girl is rumored to be pregnant.  She was punched in the stomach and had scratches all over her face.  She was unrecognizable.  A lot of girls do not like her, she has the reputation of a slut.  Everyone was cheering the other girls on, that’s not fair.  Mob mentality. 

So the girl who punched the rumored to be pregnant girl in the stomach was arrested (I cheer on the inside)

I think that this could be interpreted as a metaphor for adoption.  Some agencies are just so brutal with trying to get babies.  They’re methods are blinding, and like this the effects of the punches may not be felt right away but they soon will come.  And, if this is a metaphor for adoption, then it is a hopeful one.  Hope is something that just shines light on the dark spots and makes them better because forgetting is worse than the pain of remembering.

I’ve gotten comfortable in my own skin, heck I’m comfortable enough to talk to people which is a step up from a few weeks ago.  I’m pretty sure it was my adoption issues/bullying issues that prevented me from opening my mouth.  Actually, it was my bullying issues but my adoption issues exacerbated their effects.  I was afraid people would hurt me and then leave me: all truth lost in the separation.  That bugged me. 

Seeing the fight today reminded me how things are so much better.  Last year a few girls threatened to kill me on numerous occasions.  It was very scary for me to hear those things, the words just scarred.  I would hide in my bedroom under the covers with my doors and windows locked.  People were cheering those girls on when I got hurt last year.  I know what it’s like.

I’m not their victim, I survived.  Like many others, I’ve gotten through this.  I’m climbing a new mountain, right now is a new search for truth.

They never won.  And they never will.



Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

Are humans stupid to love, hope, and dream?  Are we stupid to live?  Hate surrounds us all, it’s unfair and blind.  Are we blind as to its own existence?  I didn’t know that I could hate until this year.  I learned that grudges, when not treated at their start always spawns into hate, and that sometimes, you even forget why you hate someone. 

Today, on my Facebook, I had a few hate messages.  I’m thinking of quitting Facebook for good.  It just isn’t fair that I get hate messages.  Why do people hate me?  Why am I invisible?  My best friend gave me a look of hatred because I might move and I was completely ignored today.  I just love school. 

I just cannot fathom how some people can be so cruel to others, how do they live with themselves?  How can you live with the fact that you are hurting other people.  How do you love if you are living a life of hate?  I wouldn’t be able to do that, but I guess some people are so cold that they have no problem hating others.

I wish I could just fly away to where I am loved, if there exists such a place.  If I could go back two days to where I was lying in the snow, staring at the clouds, with family and friends by my side, I wouldn’t be crying right now.  I guess I’ve figured what hate means.  And it means emptiness.

I’m feeling empty.