The Power of Words

The girl in the oversized t-shirt
March 6, 2010, 3:20 pm
Filed under: Beauty, Bullying, Eating Disorder, Life, School | Tags: , , ,

We all know the girl who wears an oversized t-shirt to the beach or the pool.  The girl who never takes it off because she doesn’t like the way her body is.  We all know the girl who wears twenty hair ties on her arms to cover her struggles.  The girl who never knew how to ask for help because she didn’t know how to ask for it.

And we all know the girl who has gone 11 days without doing the horrid act.

And the girl who doesn’t lie when she smiles anymore.

And the girl who is beginning to question the use of the oversized t-shirt.

And the girl who holds her head high and doesn’t look back on her former life: a life of repeated peer abuse.

We all know the girl who doesn’t wear make-up because she believes that it is a lie: covering your faults as if to erase them.

Here’s the girl who is herself.


lie: an untrue statement made with intention to be deceived

My birth certificate is false.  My adoptive mother did not carry me for nine months.  She did not give birth to me either.  My adoptive father just handed over the cash and once the transaction was done, returned to his alcohol abuse.  I wasn’t given a proper mother or father.  My parents are old enough to be my grandparents.  My father has never been a father and my relationship with my adoptive mother is non-existant.

My English teacher told us once that the most efficient lie you tell is the one you tell yourself.  Since then, I’ve always been wondering how to tell myself the truth if it is unknown.  I lie to myself about my appearance, I tell myself that if I skip that one meal everything will be okay.  I lie to myself about my cutting.  I say it’s not a big deal and that I can stop whenever I want to.

When one of my teachers told me in first grade that I was a “hooker baby” I didn’t know what it meant.  When I finally got to the age where I could understand it, I kept telling myself it was all a lie, just an ignorant statement.  Recently, I’ve found startling information that is proving otherwise.  If you’ve kept up with my blog you’d know that I’m pretty sure I’ve found my first mother.  A friend of mine did some more searching and said she found an escort ad by my mother.

What does this mean?  My friend keeps insisting that I am not a hooker baby.  Sometimes, you just have to see things as the come at you.  I wish I could just know the truth right now, I wouldn’t have to do this thinking.  I wish…

I was conceived in a web of lies and untangling them is one of the hardest things to do.

Right now, I just hope I’m wrong about one thing.

boil: to heat or become heated to a pressure

WARNING:  contents under pressure.

Sigh, I guess I should be used to rejection.  After all my experiences with it at school it’s shocking that I can’t take it this once.  Lemme rewind.  A few nights ago I was searching through my adoptive mother’s room and I found an article about adoption.  There were so many similarities with mine that I’m pretty sure it was mine.  So the article confirmed that my mother was a teenager.  So I begin to search and high school alumni sites around the hospital I was born in for pregnant teens in my birth year.  I find a name, she was proud of giving me up.  She loved the experience.  She was recommending it to others because she loved it so much.

In the article she said that adoption was the easiest decision that she’s ever had to make.  It was easy to give me up?  Me?!?  ME?!?  ME?!?

I threw up when I read that.  It was so sickening.  I’m not wanted anywhere.  Where do I fit?  At school?  Nope…  Home?  Not really.  I’m not wanted.  It’s times like these where I wish I would have been aborted.  It would have been easier on her and caused no pain.  And, not to mention, I wouldn’t even know what happened so please do not take this as suicidal thoughts because that is the last thing on my mind.

That aside, yesterday at school, a popular girl made the comment that all ugly people should die.  She was staring directly into my eyes.  So, I’m invisible and hated.  glorious!!! 

Last week I skipped so many meals that it’s sickening to even think about it.  Call it stress, call it a stage but whatever it is it’s obviously not healthy and this week I am attempting to resolve that.

OH!  And stress!!!  These past two months I’ve been getting in daily arguments with my mother.  I really cannot see what is provoking them.  I mean, I’ll walk out of the house in a t-shirt and she calls me a whore.  I work on an essay that I have to write but she doesn’t like how I worded it.  I’m under so much stress right now I could scream.  It’s verbal blows, that’s what it is.

Right now I want a hug, or to cry, or a song that will make me cry.  Anything really.

*sighs*  What… ever…

emp-ty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
February 1, 2010, 8:13 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel…  empty?  Would that be the right word?  I’ve let people down.  I should have been watching over him, taken care of him, and now… he could be dead.  It seems as if all it takes is one simple word for life to come crashing down.  A thought, even, did the trick.

All day I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t.  I can’t cry.  I wanted to stop feeling this, I usually never feel.  But, the thing is, I was feeling all these emotions but I wasn’t feeling them.  It’s so hard to explain.  I just wanted to feel something other than emptiness.

I want to undo all the wrongs in my life, I’d like to have friends.  I’m wondering right now, what’d it’d be like if all these things would never have happened.  Could I be a normal, happy teen?  Why am I not a normal, happy teen? 

I hate wishing and dreaming because they are pure fantasies.  Since the day I was born, I’ve been experiencing reality: the harsh truth.  At 6 I lost all innocence, unfortunately I can never get back what they took from me. 

My writing is just a rambling.  I can’t speak.  I haven’t spoken a word since yesterday.  Let’s see how long that lasts. 


veri-si-mil-i-tude: the quality or state of appearing to be real.
January 25, 2010, 8:34 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying | Tags: , , , , ,

In this world, things aren’t always what they seem to be.  Some things are fake, just as some people are fake.  When people you were supposed to love turn out to not be real, your whole view of love changes.  This year, I met a boy who I really liked.  Yes, I know, I’m only 14, but I’m not your average 14 year old and this isn’t your average high school drama.  I deal with real things, in the real world.  I don’t cry if daddy doesn’t buy me that expensive purse: I don’t cry at all.

So, this boy, was extremely charming.  He had this wooing charisma about him.  I thought he was different, he was the first I trusted in a long time.  He sent me texts saying I was beautiful, hot, even the most amazing girl he’d ever met.  I felt loved, precious, and as if I didn’t even deserve him.  He treated me like royalty.

We never actually dated but our relationship ended bluntly.  One day he just said “Really, you believed that?!?” And began laughing.  He pushed me into a wall on a few occasions and physically hurt me a couple times.  And the verbal abuse was just so much.  I was emotionally exhausted at the end of the day and dreaded returning to school.  On some occasions I’d fake sick, just so I wouldn’t have to see him.

He was a fake.  He lied.  I trusted him. 

I don’t know if I can ever trust someone again.  He really hurt me.

So, recently this guy has been apoligizing to me for being a “dick” as he calls himself (I still think he is) and I can just see right through his hopeless attempt at redemption.  He tried adding me as a friend on Facebook after I deleted him.  I blocked him.  🙂

I’ve often had friend who were like this boy.  They lure you in, then stab you in the back until you bleed to the point where you’ve lost so much blood that you honestly just wish that you could end it all right then and there.  I’ve been there.  I’ve cut, I’ve attempted suicide.  I didn’t want to live.

Why would I want to live a life of oppression?  I had no where to turn, and no one to trust.  If you’ve ever been there then you know exactly what I mean.

I just cannot stand when people are ambidextrous with trust.  You shouldn’t play with trust.  It’s a game that is easy to lose and difficult to regain.

Long story short:  I don’t trust.

ad-dict: one who is addicted
January 14, 2010, 1:14 am
Filed under: Beauty, Bullying | Tags: , , , ,

I solved my addiction last year, or else, I thought I did.  Things had gotten so tough last year, so I began cutting.  I’ve always referred to it as “The Bad Thing” and today I did the bad thing.  It was somewhat spontaneous, yet in a way planned.  I feel so sick because I wanted to make 2010 cutting free, I guess it’s a little late for that.

But, aside from my cutting addiction, I know many addicts.  One of my friends in addicted to makeup, no…  She’s addicted to material items.  She suffers from materialism which is a terrible disease.  Romeo stated it perfectly in Shakespeare’s play when he said “There is thy gold- worse poison to men’s soul, doing more murder in this loathsome world than these poor compounds thou mayst not sell.”  Leo Tolstoy told us what we really need: 6 ft.  You can have all the land in the world, but when your time arrives, you’ll only take up the space needed for your coffin.

And some people, are addicted to cruelty.  They are the people who go up to you and push your buttons when they already know that your buttons have been overpushed.  Those people are some of the worst.  That addiction is very difficult to get over.

Life is too short to waste time hurting people, or finding comfort in material items.  Life is meant for the living, and meant to be lived.  Addiction is preventing that. 

Of course I’m a hypocrite and am going into withdrawal from Starbucks.  “Must… have… coffee!”