The Power of Words


Favoritism.
March 18, 2010, 6:56 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life, School | Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve never been anyone’s favorite.  I was never daddy’s little girl, I was never his kid.  This past weekend my father said some hurtful things.  But when he says those words, it’s not him speaking, it’s the alcohol.  I learned at a young age not to take his words to heart.  He didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know what he’s saying.  I wish I knew what he was like before the drinking.  I wish I knew him before his breathing became labored, and his face was red from the drug.

People say “adopted children are lucky.”  No, truly we are not.  I have not had an easy life, that is for sure.  For the past 14 years I’ve been trying to make my parents proud and have been failing greatly.  All I want is a pat on the back, a job well done.  I just want to be loved.  Is it that hard?

The head softball coach for JV quit Monday.  The assistant is now our only coach.  He’s chosen his favorite, and it’s not him.  I’m trying so hard to get liked, to be… noticed.  I’ve grown to love infield.  I can catch a popfly.  I mean, I can catch a popfly.  My old coach asked my friend if she’d been feeding me nails for breakfast because I’m so aggressive out there.  Yet, despite my aggressiveness and my technique, I’m not good enough.  One girl has an awful technique but is cute.  The coach even has a nickname for her.  She got to play for the full game and I was taken out after the third inning (at least I wasn’t a sub this time).  And my friend, who’s been playing softball for years was playing as a sub in the second string.  What’s wrong with this picture? 

Well, actually.  I am a favorite now.  Not by my father, not by my teachers, and definitely not by my coaches.  I’m someone’s “freshman.”  Not like the whole “get me stuff” relationship, but more of a “you’re cool, let’s hang” type of thing.  It’s pretty cool. 

Plus, she can beat up the junior who made me do all her work at practice yesterday and then hit me.  *sighs*

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I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor
March 10, 2010, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life, School | Tags: , , , , ,

Today at school there was a huge fight.  When I say huge, I mean one girl was arrested.  So there were three girls.  One girl is rumored to be pregnant.  She was punched in the stomach and had scratches all over her face.  She was unrecognizable.  A lot of girls do not like her, she has the reputation of a slut.  Everyone was cheering the other girls on, that’s not fair.  Mob mentality. 

So the girl who punched the rumored to be pregnant girl in the stomach was arrested (I cheer on the inside)

I think that this could be interpreted as a metaphor for adoption.  Some agencies are just so brutal with trying to get babies.  They’re methods are blinding, and like this the effects of the punches may not be felt right away but they soon will come.  And, if this is a metaphor for adoption, then it is a hopeful one.  Hope is something that just shines light on the dark spots and makes them better because forgetting is worse than the pain of remembering.

I’ve gotten comfortable in my own skin, heck I’m comfortable enough to talk to people which is a step up from a few weeks ago.  I’m pretty sure it was my adoption issues/bullying issues that prevented me from opening my mouth.  Actually, it was my bullying issues but my adoption issues exacerbated their effects.  I was afraid people would hurt me and then leave me: all truth lost in the separation.  That bugged me. 

Seeing the fight today reminded me how things are so much better.  Last year a few girls threatened to kill me on numerous occasions.  It was very scary for me to hear those things, the words just scarred.  I would hide in my bedroom under the covers with my doors and windows locked.  People were cheering those girls on when I got hurt last year.  I know what it’s like.

I’m not their victim, I survived.  Like many others, I’ve gotten through this.  I’m climbing a new mountain, right now is a new search for truth.

They never won.  And they never will.



The girl in the oversized t-shirt
March 6, 2010, 3:20 pm
Filed under: Beauty, Bullying, Eating Disorder, Life, School | Tags: , , ,

We all know the girl who wears an oversized t-shirt to the beach or the pool.  The girl who never takes it off because she doesn’t like the way her body is.  We all know the girl who wears twenty hair ties on her arms to cover her struggles.  The girl who never knew how to ask for help because she didn’t know how to ask for it.

And we all know the girl who has gone 11 days without doing the horrid act.

And the girl who doesn’t lie when she smiles anymore.

And the girl who is beginning to question the use of the oversized t-shirt.

And the girl who holds her head high and doesn’t look back on her former life: a life of repeated peer abuse.

We all know the girl who doesn’t wear make-up because she believes that it is a lie: covering your faults as if to erase them.

Here’s the girl who is herself.



in·vis·i·ble: not visible, not perceptible by the eye
February 18, 2010, 11:51 pm
Filed under: Bullying, Ramblings, School | Tags: , , ,

I’m not in a good mood.  You know what, I’m not in a good mood at all!  At softball the coaches only pay attention the annoying bleach blonde girls who reapply mascara in the dugouts.  My coach just sticks me in the outfield during practice saying that he’s rotating people when really, he’s rotating everyone but me.  So, you can imagine that makes me feel more invisible.

The only time my coach notices me is when I mess up.  He congratulates all the other girls when they catch the ball or throw well.  But for me?  Nope…  I’m not good enough for a high five or encouraging words. 

After my game (which I was stuck in outfield as a substitute) my coach said “Great first game!”  Yeah… because that was my first game.  My first game was Tuesday night and I fouled twice on the best JV pitcher in the league (she’s better than our varsity pitcher)

At school, it’s the same thing.  I’m invisible.  My friends don’t even bother waiting until I’ve left the table, they spread things about me while I’m sitting right across from them.  It took my AP Environmental teacher one semester (half a year) to remember my name.

I guess being invisible is best when you don’t talk.  Then your a ghost.

BOO!



boil: to heat or become heated to a pressure

WARNING:  contents under pressure.

Sigh, I guess I should be used to rejection.  After all my experiences with it at school it’s shocking that I can’t take it this once.  Lemme rewind.  A few nights ago I was searching through my adoptive mother’s room and I found an article about adoption.  There were so many similarities with mine that I’m pretty sure it was mine.  So the article confirmed that my mother was a teenager.  So I begin to search classmates.com and high school alumni sites around the hospital I was born in for pregnant teens in my birth year.  I find a name, she was proud of giving me up.  She loved the experience.  She was recommending it to others because she loved it so much.

In the article she said that adoption was the easiest decision that she’s ever had to make.  It was easy to give me up?  Me?!?  ME?!?  ME?!?

I threw up when I read that.  It was so sickening.  I’m not wanted anywhere.  Where do I fit?  At school?  Nope…  Home?  Not really.  I’m not wanted.  It’s times like these where I wish I would have been aborted.  It would have been easier on her and caused no pain.  And, not to mention, I wouldn’t even know what happened so please do not take this as suicidal thoughts because that is the last thing on my mind.

That aside, yesterday at school, a popular girl made the comment that all ugly people should die.  She was staring directly into my eyes.  So, I’m invisible and hated.  glorious!!! 

Last week I skipped so many meals that it’s sickening to even think about it.  Call it stress, call it a stage but whatever it is it’s obviously not healthy and this week I am attempting to resolve that.

OH!  And stress!!!  These past two months I’ve been getting in daily arguments with my mother.  I really cannot see what is provoking them.  I mean, I’ll walk out of the house in a t-shirt and she calls me a whore.  I work on an essay that I have to write but she doesn’t like how I worded it.  I’m under so much stress right now I could scream.  It’s verbal blows, that’s what it is.

Right now I want a hug, or to cry, or a song that will make me cry.  Anything really.

*sighs*  What… ever…



emp-ty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
February 1, 2010, 8:13 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel…  empty?  Would that be the right word?  I’ve let people down.  I should have been watching over him, taken care of him, and now… he could be dead.  It seems as if all it takes is one simple word for life to come crashing down.  A thought, even, did the trick.

All day I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t.  I can’t cry.  I wanted to stop feeling this, I usually never feel.  But, the thing is, I was feeling all these emotions but I wasn’t feeling them.  It’s so hard to explain.  I just wanted to feel something other than emptiness.

I want to undo all the wrongs in my life, I’d like to have friends.  I’m wondering right now, what’d it’d be like if all these things would never have happened.  Could I be a normal, happy teen?  Why am I not a normal, happy teen? 

I hate wishing and dreaming because they are pure fantasies.  Since the day I was born, I’ve been experiencing reality: the harsh truth.  At 6 I lost all innocence, unfortunately I can never get back what they took from me. 

My writing is just a rambling.  I can’t speak.  I haven’t spoken a word since yesterday.  Let’s see how long that lasts. 

*sighs*



You haven’t won, you’ve only temporarily stunned me.
January 27, 2010, 8:36 pm
Filed under: Bullying | Tags: , ,

You think that you’ve won this game,

Your words have destroyed it all.

You think I’m weak,

But I won’t fall.

You try to hurt me,

And think you’ve won.

But the trouble is,

I’ve only just begun.

You aren’t the only deviant,

I’ve got a mind of my own.

But I haven’t let down,

My strength has yet to be shown.

So try to hurt me,

call me whatever.

You’ll never see me,

Thinking you’re better.

You aren’t that great,

You actually are quite annoying.

I don’t think you’ve noticed,

I don’t care what you’re saying.

I’ll be back,

You’ll see.

In a few years,

You’ll be working for me.