The Power of Words


Reunion is harder when you’re only 14…
July 17, 2010, 8:37 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Life, Ramblings | Tags: , , ,

And when your nmom is bipolar…

And when it was brought upon you by force…

And when your nmom is ODing on Kool-Aid.

Reunion is great as long as both parties are ready for it.  In my case, neither were.  Yet, you can’t change what’s going on.  What happened, happened.  What is happening, is happening.

Sometimes I wish I could just open her eyes to make her see what I see, but I don’t know how.  I want a pair of anti fog glasses.  It took me 3 years to figure this all out, she’s had 14. 

She’s proud of me, and she’s trying now.  But… it’s still hard.  It will always be.  But, I guess that’s why they call it a roller coaster.

Sorry for the suckish blog post.  (and the lack of blog posts…)  I’ve had a lot going on.  I’m leaving for boarding school next month, and finished with a 3.7 unweighted GPA for freshman year.  (woot!) 

I’ll try to make time for blogging even though I’m working 5/7 days a week and have a mega hectic schedule.

Peace to all.

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lie: an untrue statement made with intention to be deceived

My birth certificate is false.  My adoptive mother did not carry me for nine months.  She did not give birth to me either.  My adoptive father just handed over the cash and once the transaction was done, returned to his alcohol abuse.  I wasn’t given a proper mother or father.  My parents are old enough to be my grandparents.  My father has never been a father and my relationship with my adoptive mother is non-existant.

My English teacher told us once that the most efficient lie you tell is the one you tell yourself.  Since then, I’ve always been wondering how to tell myself the truth if it is unknown.  I lie to myself about my appearance, I tell myself that if I skip that one meal everything will be okay.  I lie to myself about my cutting.  I say it’s not a big deal and that I can stop whenever I want to.

When one of my teachers told me in first grade that I was a “hooker baby” I didn’t know what it meant.  When I finally got to the age where I could understand it, I kept telling myself it was all a lie, just an ignorant statement.  Recently, I’ve found startling information that is proving otherwise.  If you’ve kept up with my blog you’d know that I’m pretty sure I’ve found my first mother.  A friend of mine did some more searching and said she found an escort ad by my mother.

What does this mean?  My friend keeps insisting that I am not a hooker baby.  Sometimes, you just have to see things as the come at you.  I wish I could just know the truth right now, I wouldn’t have to do this thinking.  I wish…

I was conceived in a web of lies and untangling them is one of the hardest things to do.

Right now, I just hope I’m wrong about one thing.