The Power of Words

beau-ty: qualities that give pleasures to the senses or exalt the mind
January 11, 2010, 2:24 am
Filed under: Beauty, Bullying, Life, Ramblings, Words | Tags: , , , , ,

After a heated discussion with a best friend, I’ve concluded that beauty is something I do not possess.  Yes, even I admit to an atrocity. I am not, by society’s standards, pretty.  By beauty’s definition, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.  I guess by my friend’s eye, I am lacking of qualities that exalt the mind.

But, in my eyes beauty is from within.  This world we are living in is so materialistic that we don’t even acknowledge things we already have.  Some people have eyes that are so intricate and unique but are so quick to go out and by makeup to plaster around it.  People’s imperfections make them perfect.  I will not succumb to the patriarchal paradigm.  I will not become a sheep in society, rather rebel against the objectification of women. 

When shopping for a bra with my mom, I saw bras with so much push up I wanted to puke.  Why would you try to make your breasts look any bigger?  I mean, you are who you are and you may be fooling others but you definitely aren’t fooling yourself.

And at the airport this winter, seeing a ten year old clad with makeup, high heels, and a Gucci bag, I seriously began to question the extent of society’s imprint.  A ten year old girl shouldn’t be wearing high heels or makeup or carrying around a purse that costs more than my laptop.  It is a sickening affair that is terrorizing the nation.

After that, I’ve decided that my friend who tried to conform me isn’t my friend.  A friend understands you and doesn’t try changing you.

Everyone who has met me knows that I am who I am and no matter how hard you try, things will always be that way.

 You are beautiful.


fa-ther: a male parent
January 10, 2010, 2:52 am
Filed under: Adoption, Life, Words | Tags: , , , , , , ,

I don’t know what a father is.  I have had glimpses of a father figure, but never a consistent father.  Sure, I’ve had good times with my father, I’ve been to the park, I’ve gone roller blading, I’ve done everything a girl should do.  But still…  My dad never tucked me in at night, or helped me with my science fair project or warned any boys who came near me that he’ll knock their teeth out.  Isn’t that something a normal adolescent should know?

I feel bizarre because I know things that adults cannot comprehend or things that make normal teens stare at me blankly thinking, wtf then turning away but I don’t know what most 3 year olds understand.  Does that make me ignorant?  I guess my ignorance is tripled as I do not know my mother or father either.

But, you see, that simply pisses me off because I am, as the bullies call me, The Know-It-All.  The thing that no one understands is that I don’t know anything at all.  I don’t know what my mother or father looks like, I don’t know how tall I’ll be, or even my medical history (I can feel a song coming on…)

Of course, it is irrational to think that I am ignorant for not knowing those things, but the world is blind to the truth.  It seems as if Americans will be satisfied with half-truths.  Half truths are half lies as well.  Always read between the lines, because the strings are always attached there.

I bought a new watch today, my previous one was shattered (washing machine accident) and now I can see how time passes both slowly and quickly.  A little less than 4 years until I can uncover truths.  Oh, come four years, please come!

words: 1. speech or talk; 2. text or lyrics of a song; 3. contentious or angry speech

This past summer, a great friend of mine said something that really stuck with me.  Words, when used as put downs, are extremely heavy, they weigh you down.  I’ve woken up many times in my life, struggling to get out of bed, because the weight of my oppression was so great and I couldn’t rise against it. 

She said, the pain you feel is like carrying a backpack and going up an empty hill, with each step a water bottle is added.  At first, the load is minimal, and you think nothing of it, but soon the weight accumulates and you start to get dragged down.  But, even at that, you must continue climbing up, with each step, the climb becomes more and more difficult.  Once you reach the top, everyone takes a sip out of those bottles, but when you go to get yours, you realize there are none left. 

Bullying has that evil, nasty effect that make the victims seem shameful and the bullies feel like champions.  But, truly, there is no battle, there is no fight.  Bullying isn’t a war, rather a betrayal, betraying trusts and bonds between two or more people.  The shock factor isn’t really about what was said or what was done, rather the effrontery and the insolence of the bully. 

Friends are friends, but in this day and age, it seems as if friends are tending to be foes.

I trust no one, just my rationality.

Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

Are humans stupid to love, hope, and dream?  Are we stupid to live?  Hate surrounds us all, it’s unfair and blind.  Are we blind as to its own existence?  I didn’t know that I could hate until this year.  I learned that grudges, when not treated at their start always spawns into hate, and that sometimes, you even forget why you hate someone. 

Today, on my Facebook, I had a few hate messages.  I’m thinking of quitting Facebook for good.  It just isn’t fair that I get hate messages.  Why do people hate me?  Why am I invisible?  My best friend gave me a look of hatred because I might move and I was completely ignored today.  I just love school. 

I just cannot fathom how some people can be so cruel to others, how do they live with themselves?  How can you live with the fact that you are hurting other people.  How do you love if you are living a life of hate?  I wouldn’t be able to do that, but I guess some people are so cold that they have no problem hating others.

I wish I could just fly away to where I am loved, if there exists such a place.  If I could go back two days to where I was lying in the snow, staring at the clouds, with family and friends by my side, I wouldn’t be crying right now.  I guess I’ve figured what hate means.  And it means emptiness.

I’m feeling empty.

grat-i-tude: the quality of being grateful or thankful
December 29, 2009, 2:40 pm
Filed under: Bullying, Life, Words | Tags: , , , , , ,

This past year, people have gone in and out of my life. I shared laughs with some of the most interesting people, and I befriended an unusual bunch. Some things were hard, but the strength my friends gave me, helped me get through.

The beginning of the year started with tears. I lost a friendship that ended disastrously and I now understood what it felt like to be crushed. I learned that people can be cruel, vicious, and attack anyone, at any time, or at any rate. I cried almost everyday, I truly was in shock but did that stop me? No, I have an amazing family as well as friends that I know will always be by my side. I went on a mission, to prove to everyone, especially me, that even through the toughest times you can still rise against. I rose against my enemy, and my enemy was myself.

The year dwindled on as a continuation of previous events, rarely stopping the frustration and turmoil bestowed upon me. I received death threats, though farces, as a proof that jealousy solves nothing. Things were written about me, things were said. I was bamboozled into the thought that things could be resolved in the blink of an eye, but things take time. Life is composed of little days, months, and years, all insignificant in the span of human existence, but quintessential in survival.

I’m so thankful to my friends who’ve given me strength.

Summertime came and I was given a chance to start over, and I gladly accepted. But as I said previously, things take time. I didn’t allow myself that time, or anyone for that matter. I learned a lot of things with being around little children. One child, named after a certain serial killer, taught me to love blindly, and to just trust your instincts. Some people taught me that I am no greater or no lesser than others. If I live in America, a country founded on the institution of equality, why are they any better than me. Who are they to judge, mock, and ridicule? And I passed that philosophy on to a girl who also had been prejudged by peers.

I learned that there is love in the world, whether you can see it or not. Some people are fighters, some lovers, some thinkers, and some fixers. We aren’t one or another, but rather a mixture of them all. Everyone serves a purpose and I just figured out the purpose of my attackers. Their words, their hurt was meant for me to stumble, but instead I just stood taller. I knew who I was as a person, but they didn’t. I found out earlier than most, and for that I am grateful.

I went back to school in higher spirits than before, although a tad anxious that the contention was still greatly present, school started nicely. I met new friends and I know, for a fact that they are forever. Some people come and go, and others stay forever. My friends are the kind that are forever.

Although I also learned that I am naïve, the hard way, I was surprisingly optimistic about the future. “Things are going to get better soon, I know it!” became one of my many new mottos.

My feelings are important, and I know that ignoring them is bad. I don’t ignore my emotions, or put them on hold, but moreover, I use rationality before acting on them. Showing emotions is something that I don’t often do, it shows weakness and that is how I would like to present myself. But hiding them, is sometimes so hard.

While this year might have been hectic (and *I* spelled that right) I know that 2010 will be a better year.

I would just like to thank all of those who helped me this year. Without you, I don’t know how I made it. Karma exists, may good fortune come your way.

glare: 1. very conspicuous. 2. to shine with a harsh dazzling light
December 19, 2009, 2:45 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Words | Tags: , , , , , ,

You know how when you’re watching a film, and in the most important part you can’t see what’s going on because the sun is shining directly on the screen?  That’s how I feel about adoption.  It seems as if there is this huge glare on its meaning.  Adoption is only right when a child is in need of a family, i.e. a true orphan or child abuse.  Today, people tend to overlook that.  Today any teen who gets pregnant is subject to coercive tactics for an infertile couple to attain the teen’s offspring.  It’s almost barbaric: preying on scared teenagers in their time of need.  Why not lend a hand, instead of take a person?

I honestly do wonder if this glare can ever be removed from adoption.  If people could grasp the pain ensued from adoption, if they could walk in the shoes of a first mother, or in those of an adoptee, maybe adoption would be like it is supposed to: only in true cases of need.

The problem with glares, however is that the only way to remove them is by blocking the light.  So what would we block the light on?  Teenage pregnancies?  Surrogates?  If we block the light on all of adoption, then we’d be getting nowhere in a quest for open records for all, and in some cases, such as foster care, adoption is the best option. 

If we block the light, do we block all hope?

Si-lence: the state of being silent. Stillness. Secrecy.
December 16, 2009, 7:48 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life, Ramblings, Words | Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s amazing how unnoticed I can be.  It’s as if I were oblivion: forgotten, unwanted.  Today I went five periods without talking.  I was compeletely reticent and did anyone even notice my presence?  Nope.  I was slapped in the head with a metal ruler by a junior, however.  Oh!  The wonders of being a freshman. 

I find this particularly disturbing because I’m supposed to have friends.  At least, I thought I did.  When I sat at lunch they were surprised to see me “Oh!  I didn’t know you were here today!”  Well, that’s comforting.

Sure, being silent in school isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but being silent about what is morally injust and defying the boundaries of ethics is.  The whole point in words is to use it to exercise our right to an opinion.  I’ve been silent on so many things in my life.  There is one thing I’m starting to speak out about, but not ready to declare, at the moment.  I’ve been speaking out about adoption ever since I heard of the BSE era, and the coercive tactics used in this world.   I honestly wish that instead of wanting a HWI (healthy white infant) people will begin to adopt out of foster care, where adoption actually makes sense.  I see no point in destroying a perfectly good family.  Sure, things might be tough for a while, but humans are adaptable species, things will work out.

If your name, culture, heritage, and family were stripped of you, would you be silent?

Some say silence is golden, but I choose noise.