The Power of Words

My new nickname…
February 23, 2010, 8:58 pm
Filed under: Bullying, School

It’s so pleasant to hear bitch muttered under people’s breath when you pass people in the halls.

It’s very pleasant to not have a place to sit at lunch.

It’s also very pleasant when people avoid you as if you were some radioactive waste.

Here’s the thing, I’m not radioactive waste.  I’m just looking for the truth, even if it hurts.  I prefer a hurtful truth than a void.

I’m stuck with a void AND drama.  Lovely.  Did I mention I also have a mango growing on my knee from softball?  Even lovelier, eh?


in·vis·i·ble: not visible, not perceptible by the eye
February 18, 2010, 11:51 pm
Filed under: Bullying, Ramblings, School | Tags: , , ,

I’m not in a good mood.  You know what, I’m not in a good mood at all!  At softball the coaches only pay attention the annoying bleach blonde girls who reapply mascara in the dugouts.  My coach just sticks me in the outfield during practice saying that he’s rotating people when really, he’s rotating everyone but me.  So, you can imagine that makes me feel more invisible.

The only time my coach notices me is when I mess up.  He congratulates all the other girls when they catch the ball or throw well.  But for me?  Nope…  I’m not good enough for a high five or encouraging words. 

After my game (which I was stuck in outfield as a substitute) my coach said “Great first game!”  Yeah… because that was my first game.  My first game was Tuesday night and I fouled twice on the best JV pitcher in the league (she’s better than our varsity pitcher)

At school, it’s the same thing.  I’m invisible.  My friends don’t even bother waiting until I’ve left the table, they spread things about me while I’m sitting right across from them.  It took my AP Environmental teacher one semester (half a year) to remember my name.

I guess being invisible is best when you don’t talk.  Then your a ghost.


complete: fully carried out
February 13, 2010, 3:45 pm
Filed under: Life, School | Tags: , , , , , , ,

I pressed the send button on the email this morning.  My final step in the application for boarding school is complete.  Done, zip, no more!  I’ve been agonizing over this all week, my mom has been stressing me even more with this by telling me the unthinkable.  Now, I’m happy to say that my work is done.

All I have left is to wait. 

So, that being said, I’m in a pretty good mood.  You’d think I’d be semi catatonic right now, but I’m actually doing quite well.  Today I’m going over to a friend’s house for her birthday celebration.  I’m pretty excited.  Especially saying that I found her the most perfect gift!

I guess a week that began on a low is going to finish on a high, I haven’t had that happen in a long time. 

I really should work on bringing my grades up this weekend.  Right now I have one F, one D, three C’s, one B, and one A.  I’ve never gotten anything below a B before.  Albeit this is only the beginning of the quarter I should still fix them.  It’s kind of distressing to see those god-awful grades.  I’d better rock that self-esteem shield to raise my F and do a super dandy job on my Bystanders and their Role in Bullying paper, too.  And I have that lab for AP Environmental…

Ever heard of a weekend?!?


Right now I have “Some of Us” by Starsailor in my head.  It’s a pretty good song.  You should check it out (says the girl who is avoiding her increasingly high stack of homework)

I’m going to start my Comm. Psych. homework. 

Have a great long weekend!!!

lie: an untrue statement made with intention to be deceived

My birth certificate is false.  My adoptive mother did not carry me for nine months.  She did not give birth to me either.  My adoptive father just handed over the cash and once the transaction was done, returned to his alcohol abuse.  I wasn’t given a proper mother or father.  My parents are old enough to be my grandparents.  My father has never been a father and my relationship with my adoptive mother is non-existant.

My English teacher told us once that the most efficient lie you tell is the one you tell yourself.  Since then, I’ve always been wondering how to tell myself the truth if it is unknown.  I lie to myself about my appearance, I tell myself that if I skip that one meal everything will be okay.  I lie to myself about my cutting.  I say it’s not a big deal and that I can stop whenever I want to.

When one of my teachers told me in first grade that I was a “hooker baby” I didn’t know what it meant.  When I finally got to the age where I could understand it, I kept telling myself it was all a lie, just an ignorant statement.  Recently, I’ve found startling information that is proving otherwise.  If you’ve kept up with my blog you’d know that I’m pretty sure I’ve found my first mother.  A friend of mine did some more searching and said she found an escort ad by my mother.

What does this mean?  My friend keeps insisting that I am not a hooker baby.  Sometimes, you just have to see things as the come at you.  I wish I could just know the truth right now, I wouldn’t have to do this thinking.  I wish…

I was conceived in a web of lies and untangling them is one of the hardest things to do.

Right now, I just hope I’m wrong about one thing.

boil: to heat or become heated to a pressure

WARNING:  contents under pressure.

Sigh, I guess I should be used to rejection.  After all my experiences with it at school it’s shocking that I can’t take it this once.  Lemme rewind.  A few nights ago I was searching through my adoptive mother’s room and I found an article about adoption.  There were so many similarities with mine that I’m pretty sure it was mine.  So the article confirmed that my mother was a teenager.  So I begin to search and high school alumni sites around the hospital I was born in for pregnant teens in my birth year.  I find a name, she was proud of giving me up.  She loved the experience.  She was recommending it to others because she loved it so much.

In the article she said that adoption was the easiest decision that she’s ever had to make.  It was easy to give me up?  Me?!?  ME?!?  ME?!?

I threw up when I read that.  It was so sickening.  I’m not wanted anywhere.  Where do I fit?  At school?  Nope…  Home?  Not really.  I’m not wanted.  It’s times like these where I wish I would have been aborted.  It would have been easier on her and caused no pain.  And, not to mention, I wouldn’t even know what happened so please do not take this as suicidal thoughts because that is the last thing on my mind.

That aside, yesterday at school, a popular girl made the comment that all ugly people should die.  She was staring directly into my eyes.  So, I’m invisible and hated.  glorious!!! 

Last week I skipped so many meals that it’s sickening to even think about it.  Call it stress, call it a stage but whatever it is it’s obviously not healthy and this week I am attempting to resolve that.

OH!  And stress!!!  These past two months I’ve been getting in daily arguments with my mother.  I really cannot see what is provoking them.  I mean, I’ll walk out of the house in a t-shirt and she calls me a whore.  I work on an essay that I have to write but she doesn’t like how I worded it.  I’m under so much stress right now I could scream.  It’s verbal blows, that’s what it is.

Right now I want a hug, or to cry, or a song that will make me cry.  Anything really.

*sighs*  What… ever…

emp-ty: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
February 1, 2010, 8:13 pm
Filed under: Adoption, Bullying, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel…  empty?  Would that be the right word?  I’ve let people down.  I should have been watching over him, taken care of him, and now… he could be dead.  It seems as if all it takes is one simple word for life to come crashing down.  A thought, even, did the trick.

All day I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t.  I can’t cry.  I wanted to stop feeling this, I usually never feel.  But, the thing is, I was feeling all these emotions but I wasn’t feeling them.  It’s so hard to explain.  I just wanted to feel something other than emptiness.

I want to undo all the wrongs in my life, I’d like to have friends.  I’m wondering right now, what’d it’d be like if all these things would never have happened.  Could I be a normal, happy teen?  Why am I not a normal, happy teen? 

I hate wishing and dreaming because they are pure fantasies.  Since the day I was born, I’ve been experiencing reality: the harsh truth.  At 6 I lost all innocence, unfortunately I can never get back what they took from me. 

My writing is just a rambling.  I can’t speak.  I haven’t spoken a word since yesterday.  Let’s see how long that lasts.